A Mensware Missive

Here come the only two firm, absolute statements I will ever make about clothes and/or fashion.

Dear American Males:

1. Stop Wearing Khaki Pants. Khaki pants seem to be the big thing for men these days. In fact, I'm convinced that one day, ugly-ass khakis will be as essential at '00s-themed costume parties as hot-pink sweatbands are at '80s-themed costume parties now. I know that khaki pants are part of an effort to bring a bright, breezy feel to otherwise formal attire. Problem is, I've never seen one person, ever, who looks good in khakis. And, as I'm known to leave my apartment once in a while, I have seen many, many men wearing khakis. I bet some other take on the light-brown scheme might work, but khakis just over-accentuate the legs and crotch. This is why jeans and blue and black pants are still better, even if one is perceived to be too informal and the others are perceived to be too stuffy.

2. Stop Wearing Pleated Pants. Especially pleated khaki pants, but pleated pants of any color ought to be burned. One can argue that pleats make pants more comfortable around the waist/crotch/hips, which means they are for people who are too lazy to find pants that fit them comfortably. In other words, pleats don't really need to be there. Why not add little frilly borders along with them. And all this pleated shit is invading the cheap-ass stores where I tend to shop, like Marshalls, Ross, etc. Stop it. Pleats are not for cheap people like me. I'm against clothes that generall have too much stuff that they don't need to have, and excess seems to be the trend in clothes today. It's hard enough to find a fucking pair of sneakers that aren't loaded down with logos, gel compartments, massage motors and whatnot. Pleats are for people who have too much money to spend. What's worse is when I see an otherwise good-looking, trim fellow wearing pleats. What is he thinking?

"I may be 35, in good shape, and in a fine, stable job, but you're never too young to look like you have one of those fatty crotch pouches."

Dressing badly is practically in my job description, but even I have standards.